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Loves Lost Memory
a collection of poetic essays written through the veils of emotion by Blanche McLanahan

::. Section #1 .......::. Section #3 .......::. Section #2 .......::. Section 4 ::.



For this you are to cause such pain.

Thy path makes way finding error for these effects.

To leave this trail should find you hidden

Amidst self fear and the burning flame.

Torment is thine in fatal attraction

Or doest your empty heart deceive thyself?

Forgiveness is light in lieu of the children's pain.

And too your soul reaps forgiveness of his heart's distain.

Now with judgements harsh should pleasure find your soul?

In time vengeance brings an uplifting rush

As yet I am this to behold.

Truth stands with little regard for time.

As we stand in spite the loss of name and face.

Man's justice has no eye or heart

In a manner to speak

It too has no regard for us

Despite all these truths heard.

Life's justice may never equate earnings due you.

Tis in death empty souls reign in eternal darkness.

And therein no voice hears your cry

Nor your plea for forgiveness.

'Tis no matter for it to be now or not

As time's ritual of elimination blinds your evils.

With definitions for each step you took

malicious, premeditated no mortal to overlook.

Therein go I to dare such motions

To find doubt in your proofs

Negate vulnerability to refutation.

Reasoning to conclude conviction in itself a logical form

And should therefore settle any doubt or contradiction.

'Twas you who'd slipped a noose round his neck

Above the rafters in our garage.

You painted death and smeared his blood

To suit murderous intent and the facade.

Now the unrest from his grave

Despite injustices neglect,

Has found his spirit soaring

And will slip the noose round your neck.

The web of those who taint the waters

Killing without regard,

Shall find themselves on trial

And the burden of innocence retard.

You left too many clues

Of course you chose to be caught,

And all the while your other face hid

From the truth you'd so long sought.

For now sleep quiet midst the shadow

And facade of your flowing white veil

In time it will lift and you shall know

The soul's mortgage awakening in hell.

To silence the voice of one faire and innocent

To hide your deep dark secret.

Shall tell the world of your hidden fear

And the pain your hand painted with regret.

He exposed your intent now naked

Blinded of the cloth from which your mind peers.

He found your dark forbidden language

And the murderous deeds throughout the years.

You stole his voice slamming the doors of indifference,

You pardoned yourself in reasoning irrational

The logic one face found to resist.

You bartered with the devil

When you killed your only son.

No birth rights bestow you

The gift to see him hung.

Now in your mind you see his face

The sweetness of that child.

The one you gave birth,

The one you killed

And that for which you will stand trial.

Did your father take your soul

As he held papae satan's hand?

Did he lead you down the wrong path

Where evil and money grew abundant from the land?

The land where you found anger,

Your mother took away your control.

So your father justified by bleeding

And tainting his daughter's soul.

No longer slippers to befit the child

Now in age of spiked forked heels.

And your tongue has done the lashing

By ordering the spider's fatal meal.

And for pains now you suffer,

Mere and meager regret,

The truth of how he fell

Was one for which he'd set.

'twas me who you'd fixed in mind

For the murderers' thrill

And Charles knew the reason

Was denial your wish for his last will.

You told him he would abide

Or you would take a life.

He did not give

And you turned round

To take by murdering his wife.

Bedeviled is your prayer

And the darkness it truly seeks.

For my salvation from your fatal intent

Shall be the justice it doest reap.

Never did your evil taint or spoil his soul.

He was tender loving and honest

Qualities which can't be sold.

He'd prayed for you

That you'd find peace

Yet in turn he had to choose his life

For that of my release.

What a fateful morn it truly was

As you'd expected to comfort your son

But when the telephone rang you jolted

As you heard the voice of the wrong one.

Oh I read your face that morning

Anger reflecting your yellow eyes.

And the question they were radiating

"How come she did not die?"

As I have said so very often

"no face can hide what truly lies in the heart"

'twas clear that fatal morning your plan had backfired

Souring your smile and flattening the tart.

Your plan had failed, yet you stood professing a smile

But through your eyes showed the hatred

And the sickness all the while.

Self portraits of deception

A deadly give away.

Your face regret the outcome

That I did not die on that day.

Now mother you sit regressing

Looking back through all the years.

Searching your sickened memory

To undo the knots twisted in your logical gears.

As you seek the chambers door

To exorcise the putrefying mind.

You will find it locked

Til the true story can unwind.

You played games with Papae Satan

Then found him to control.

You bet then finally bartered

All you had left of your soul...


To Charles;

Not by chance might I look for you neath Earth's grave.

For where I found you, so too went I.

Perception of the mind found memories to trace,

That in the sky, the ocean or every hidden place

Waiting to glimpse you are the children and I.

Charles beckons unto me;

Light of life's darkness too finds dreams of sleep.

Neither death nor mortal soul might crush me

neath this grave in which no soul doest sleep.

Still am I just as the mighty wind that blows.

Tis there you'll always find me shimmering in the light

Glinting amidst the crystals in every flake of snow.

Tis not by day you'll find me,

For in the place of dreams I see you weep.

So sleep ever so softly dear

Ever peacefully in them you'll find me.

In spirit I'll arise beyond these blue skies

Soaring as a winged creature

Catching breath of your sighs.

For me life's journey found demise

A gift my love to free you

And in resurrection I shall arise.

Ours was to meet in time's distant past

In the valley green and its fresh soft air.

Now you are there without me

And my children too so faire.

The strong winds are yet to blow harsh

Lessons to strengthen your wings

And soften the brittleness

Then hardens the voice for the song you will sing.

Eagerly yet unaware as their turbulent water fell

Cutting edge of their sword that will frame them

Enabling they sleep and awaken in hell.

Twas departed before my death the echos of truths to fill you

A knowing of the thin blooded matriarch who cursed the shrew.....

She gazed neath our bed for control of money

For this was all she knew.

Her face now exposed so breathe easy my dear

Feel my words and believe justice will be done

As your heart's mind feeds thoughts of me near.

His words speak through me to his mother;

Dear mother unto you a child was borne

One gifted from heaven and too

With its death not for you to mourn.

Shedding mortal comfort only God might dare

The fruits given of life and the pleasures

Oh the pain we bare.

My time brought forth and given to you mother on that day

You bore fruits to extend your lifeline

But only despair you did portray.

Now unto you from the grave

I beg you hear my plea

Why did you give me life....my birth

And then in my death you set it free?

Of me there is no likeness you share

Such pain to bare in your blindness

You sought my talent and affairs.

Your life's hardships were ever so great

But they made you who you are

Equaled then forgotten was the motherly love at stake.

Internal bleeds your hatred melting cold in terror

And frozen still was my face

Whilst your true image lie hidden behind the mirror.

So tender was the child as the fresh ripened fruit

Gentle natured with a sweet waxed kindness

For the child's face reflects the truths.

Grief only withers in depths of loss by you

So I must ask;

"Was your face obscured as you completed this task?"

Unto our mothers time bequeaths these seeds be cast

Burden is time to carry beyond into days of future's past.

A child's tender voice be spoken as time dictates it be heard

Yet I spoke not of your tongue,

But of thy maidens foreign words.

I grew to become despite for me your last wish

The matriarch you my mother

Served to me one final fatal dish.

Your black wings flew swift

In its shadow darkness silenced my voice

A winged wicked spider so heartless

Gave me no other choice.

For sins and debt at thy father's hand

Your only son to pay

As generations of poison buries truth in the sand.

Tis God who upholds the forsaken child

and to carry him to heaven from earth

In spite of the harsh punishment suffered

By the woman who'd given me birth.

Now in a ghostly warning;

Be leery might she turn

Her hooded wings of hell

Her simmering face smiles unjustly

Regarding truths of how I fell.

'Twas thee mother

Who should not kill

And this hell you chose to suffer

'Tis given of thine own will.

Tis God's justice to hear

Your words not spoken in demand

Your sanity now taken

Is your wish alone and command.

For you to be lain near my side

N'er shall find you in death

'Tis yours to sigh alone

In eternity's last breath.

Now this grave in which you lie

Rests no stone marker to speak

No voice echoes this tomb

In which no soul doest sleep.

Vengeance is self inflicted

Your rath its will be done

Forever your soul is outcast,

No light to it will be shone.

Dear mother;

Thine knife cruel and sharp skillfully to plunge into these hearts of ours brought forth this temporary death of our love. Jealousy's intent you lunge neath his chest, thy son to marry despite the apron knots held firm against your breast. Incest has no wish to bequest, thy longing to be friutless breaks free your bare chest. Behold dear mother doest stray bullet pierce his mind? For that he suffered midst your torture chamber many years we did find. You believe tis your right as you bore him with a lusting to kill. At an age when he'd gain family, his right and free will. O mother dear tis you who are the fool, for thou should not kill.......as yet you fail to see you did not take him, for he reigns in my heart still. Be it not that I might love another or to have lain down by his side to die. Unbeknownst to you is the relation of spirits bound, not a belief or a metaphor in your mind. Yes, we hear your evil spoken, as the future is reflect where the past's echo is today. Still it is for you I pray, and in quest that God's blessing and forgiveness find you one day.

Then the angels saith unto me;

Be silent. Fond dreams speak of pain's leisure no more.

Truth comes sweet tongued and edible from the dear Lord.

And unto each echos millennium

Long stayed he though

Christ's story entreats love's dream

Transformed so long ago.

A God to man stood he,

A path for him to follow.

And mortals to taint the liberities

Neath soil's grave so shallow.

In this place spirit finds birth

In waters to resurrect.

Reign doest life in death

Neath soil ones spirit discards regret.

Awaken blessed creature

Take flight to soar as the eagle

God is yet to breathe wind's torrent

In rain comes the turbulent upheaval.

Blessed be thy name

Amongst friend, foe or evil

To thine own self be true

For flight of the soul's retrieval.

To the spirit'

And death it was for me they sought

No light in darkened shadows of their minds

Unto me now this evil is begot.

Despite the terrain my life be spared

Warnings from the voice of Ann E.

Her death they also dared.

Through years of parting and sorrow forlorn

Death's endeavor quieted

Sleeping in tranquility on this morn.

Tis past now the wish for heredity's future

Lightening harsh to the mind's weak toil

Mends healing of time's evil suture.

Streams flow in wave of family distortion

Curvature lifts heirarchy

Inflated weight gains new motion.

Inherent, yet no right of birth

Assists those with monetary pleasure

Despite wealth's bulging girth.

Thy father be crowned in miliary flight

With no wing or spine to extinguish

The evil and fatal intent of his wife.

The child wide eyed looked to him

As might any father's son

Empty he poured out his drunken whim.

She snared him in an awakening drunken slumber

And fears rallied not knowing

His wife hired life death and gave it your number.

In fort nights amidst fine etiquette

The silver on lace round the tables fine taste

and deceit served arsenic.

Then to be sickened by this swine

Drifting moribund into sleep

Not knowing she'd poisoned our wine.

And to fall just light beyond the table's chair,

Fell we silent and our children vulnerable

In this devil's lair.

Silence found breath with no beat of heart

and lay did we on death's bed

No regret or dream to start.

Morning brought about purging our death relieved

Unpleasant sighs of youth

For in her sight we were deceived.

To speak not of this night did we for certain

His mother's evil plight

Was yet to raise the final curtain.

Hatred and envy unfolds the unrest

Future words spoken to betray

Beckoning service for death's fatal wish.

Life's justice has no eye to scorn

Illusions of death betray his mother

Ner to weep in this sadness borne.

The heart's truth will bare the face hidden

Pain and scars to conceive

Negative internal torment be ridden.

Success found you amidst evil's torturous time

Death finally released you

Barring no reason or rhyme.


There you were like a fairy in the night, or the mirage on the highway in the heat of the day.

And they said you had died like a flower in winter or a grape withering on the vine in heat of the sun's rays.

Yet here I am seeing you in lack of density and mass, Waving undulations of memory I fail to outcast.

Then as I reach to come near you just seem further away, smiling through those green eyes as if it were only yesterday.

Though intense are your fine vibrations I fail to hear, for they are useless in this realm and bypass the ear.

And as I speak the words echo through you as if you are a chamber of light that draws past the sound barrier.

I fail the words as they have no tongue, yet the understanding from this new frequency is clear.

I watch the verbal shadows and refractions as the light of which you are bends, unfolding to endear.

Now as you sail atop the trees, mobile and reluctant to come near, the facade we hide behind now becomes clear.

And I realize it is the life force you and I shared so long ago. For it is the love we found in silence of our bond.

And I know as you dissipate into thin air it will be in dreams of sleep I can touch you and caress your hair............

You are a fairy, you are a mirage, you are memory of my beloved and the one I dream of.

So, they said life's journey and final destination is in death. Then why is it since you passed on I can still hold you near and feel your breath?

It is not undying the eternity we shared, nor the divine love life's memory has spared.

'Tis not in death we should part. For it is herein one does not die and the future is derived from the love you left right here in our hearts.

Your wife.


Oh foolish creatures, how great is the ignorance that injures you. Now I would have you drink in my judgement."



- Blanche McLanahan


Continue reading - Section #2

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