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Loves Lost Memory
a collection of poetic essays written through the veils of emotion by Blanche McLanahan

::. Section #1 .......::. Section #3 .......::. Section 2 .......::. Section 4 ::.


Bare with me through this sordid tale,
Gentle monsters, torrid sail.

Upon the ages of waters spent,
Ages far beyond repent.

Seeking faces on a watery plain.

Looking long for the speeding train...........

In Dedication to the life we nurtured and the divine love we share in spite of your death.

In Memory of my Beloved Charles

Charles' Last Wish

I have no true concept of the written language

As it pertains to life, emotion, despair or pain.

For in the real world the dollar sign has been my goal.

When I consider the someone who I'd aspired to be

Who listened with hope

But knowing the mistakes I can never retrieve.....

I think of my true and closest friend and companion

Who through our most troubled legalities

Gave me the courage to face all of reality.

In my case I felt a warmth of morality

For from that strength came true respect.

My only wish before they go

is that they know family once again.

Never had Charles written his thoughts. Yet just a mere 3 months to preceed his demise he composed this most beautiful wish.

My beloved Charles wrote the words LAST WISH in December of 1993 . He loved to read my poetry and mentioned he'd longed to write down his feelings. I encouraged he do so, telling him it is a wonderful form of expression that when put to use can teach us a great deal about ourselves and others. He died just 3 months later and whilst closing out computer files his secretary found the LAST WISH........his one and only poem.

In those few short lines he'd captured the essence of our time together in life with a most profound wish for his family. He was content and secure with our love. The roots that bound our family were something my parents had set precedent for. In making comparison though not to judge, he wished his family might find before their end in time the root of family and the essence of love which extends from its growth.

Title Poem









Look within as you read to understand the contents of this poetic emotion.

For it was written while vacillating on an emotional line.

A flow from the negative left to right,

The positive moving right to left at the same time.

So if you pick it up and your right hand turns the page,

Then you will understand the emotional trigger for rage.

But should your left hand choose to read from back to front,

You will then know and understand the bond we share deep within our hearts.

For if time is running backwards, then the truth lies in retrospect beginning with the last line.

"Insanity Gains Reason to Justify Murder of Thine Own Flesh and Blood"

Truly disturbed it is the foundation of the mind's reasoning and not the heart that is dangerous with murderous potential. So bound and intertwined are they, that the mind somehow fails to justify it's actions. Only in retrospect are its sounds afar, nor be it unheard this distant cry. Innocence denied by bold blatant stains on hands unclean. Spoken yet unheard is silences guilt, and the face is to proclaim reaping justice........then so be it. Words bled of refrain were uttered not heard. Actions portray such grief can only betray one's self.

For it shines unto our face clearly the truth..........so long bedridden, protruding that sleeps within the heart. Now the voice of reason stands in shame of deceptions unveiling cruelty and smiles as the burden of proof is proclaimed. Man's justice is so blinded when sought, for it now displays a gaping purulent hole....evidence justice also has no heart.


I cannot reason that irrational.

I cannot resolve without truth.

I cannot forget where memory lies in waste.

And I cannot remember death or the look on its face.

I hear the pain without words.

I see the guilt in her moribund eyes.

I touched your face and felt the sensation denied.

Vibrations of the moments we left behind.

You in the grave, me standing at its side.

Love gave us hope

But her jealousy and greed she would abide.

Now in this life without closure

I lay frozen in all the tears cried.

Eternity rides in streams of thought

Resolution comes with truth for the heart of one distraught.

Now I open the door in hours of sleep

My arms held out for this ghost taunting my dreams.

He shares your eyes in subtle echos of green.....

His touch so soft, warm and serene.

I smell familiar fragrance as we embrace

And when I awaken no sense or trace.

You patiently wait there on the other side

A forsaken barrier on which I now stride.

Our life set precedence,

One to be viewed frame by frame...

And death's ritualistic morality portrayed a story the same.

Might our love be......

be as the tide that rushes back to sea.

Or the wild flowers so gently swaying in the breeze.

Might our love be....

strong enough to brave each storm.

Lasting as our sun which rises each morn.

Be as we might in our love holding forever in sight

The thought that we as two people unite

Forever to be as one.

Tis not in death we part. True love sails over blue waters, high amidst the clouds in a pale sky.

Memory in divine love sparks eternal. Tis truth borne in this, one's spirit never dies.

Ner might my heart betray these thoughts our love vows, if in death you or I should part..

All that I touch and my eyes see hold you near in warmth of love

And here the children too find peace.

Dear sweet Charles you shall always be my love.

Tears flow as rivers swift with your death

Yet my life is to live and our hearts to sing.


So be it circumstance sought favor dear Juliet.

No need death deprive the faire child breath.

Know too do I this loss our love doest scold.

Truths of how you followed in death are yet to be told.

Did not you or Romeo take thine own life into your hands.

'Twas your family, the heirachy to control the demand.

You found place as we amidst family jealousy and anger

Now we bathe sadness as parting death doest linger.

Found he I beckoning darkness at death's door.

'Twas not his spirit to find you? Ner to cease life evermore

Just as yours this divinity of our love was to sour.

Gift he no choice as their hand held the tainted power.

Dear Juliet our parallels hush silent love's bond

For me to lay quiet or die by his side might I long.

You there they found to lie whilst death silenced your bond.

T'was their hand unclean ending your love's flight.

Just as shattered remnants of family did ours.

History by chance finds relation with our love's memory

Documentary demise lies yet to find me.

Farewell true love, softly spoken is Love's plight

'Tis by death to free the spirit

Then together we take flight......

From this place inside us.

And in the looking glass our noses press firm against the window pane.

Written to behold was death blinding life and is that which found you fame.

For if I did not believe throughout my life that time is running backwards; a counterclockwise motion induced by the refraction of light where energy and matter are distorted shifting the reflective angle to a 45 degree left shift as compared to the equilibrium of a ninety degree perpendicular crossing of an incident angle to equal its reflection, then I should not begin this story at its end.

So, should you see the near and distant sadness in my eye, or hear the resounding echo of my cry.....then you should know the true sound of my voice for it was spoken and written in the reverberation of moments in time.

If one you should meet and sense a vague familiarity, look deeply into their eyes and the place you once met will come to mind. It is a place where it all began, where we shared one mind, one language, one heart with the same beat. That place is love.

There is an overwhelming sense of sadness in the eye of those who kill. I often think of the command, "thou shall not kill". So when I looked into the sad lingering yellow dull eyes of this person, I recognized that the horror of the place I found myself in, was one I recognized. And that where I would be going was one to see beyond this recognizable sin. The journey to arrive there would be a difficult one. At that moment in time I just prayed that on my way I would not forget this place as I soared in fleeting moments of time during the temporary fracture of our bond and loss of love's memory.

"A Malevolent, Benevolent Despot"

Time is locked in a hyperbolic curve

The end result will show

The lines to be perpendicular

Energy will be released at an alarming rate.

The Earth’s mass will shift

Transform and vibrate.

And man with his sustained erratic behavior

Can finally realize the truth reflect

On the other side of his genetic mirror.

Now with energy to equal the mass

Where light has outcast the darkness

Time and evolution unite beyond their impasse.

Herein time without evolution

Our third dimensional brain in-links

With telepathic thoughts consumed in linear convolutions.

Contained rest energy penetrates the concave surface

Now on line in hyperbolic space

Synchronizing factors of light and sound

…….saving the human race.

It is the illusion of time that creates the mindset of a linear chronicity of a past, present and future time. A pretense leading us to believe we have no control or that we might not breach the line of time. But, should we realize that now is all we have to make our dreams real, and that what seems to have passed is that which never was nor could be. Where we stand is precisely where we should be and it requires no need to desire a future event to curtail its direction. In otherwords, where we are at any point in space is exactly where we should be. Desires such as this, to know the future bend our destiny, for it can be altered by our choices derived from knowing.

Man's fate is no equation and yet I struggled in vain to equate the numerical harmonics for time to bring back the past, for in it thought I was my future. And for all the attempts I came to conclude that those moments seemingly past or dreamt of the future are right now. For all that was or ever will be is now, a moment clear and present within reach of our thoughts and dreams.

Thought is a place in the mind. Its origin is of the heart. 'Tis the heart of man to feel and love be his guide.

We are creatures of thought who feel the intense vibrations of life. We do not need eyes to reflect those feelings, nor do we need ears to measure the sound. Feelings cannot be weighed nor calculated. Their frequency rides the aethers that permeate to the depths of man's soul.

As creatures of thought we are that which we think. Therefore, we are and can only find our place in it, within sleep of dreams or there in the awakening. For each we are as the other in a continuous flow and formation of our thoughts as they manifest reality for the eye to view. Therein lies passive recognition in plain view of the minds creation without forfeiture to beg pardon for its claim.

Shadows are veils in sleep to elude behind the fringes of darkness, and are empty to the light of thought. Now to one gift sight he doest see beyond these borders, for it is not in the blending or separation of bent colors need he see. It does come from within. A knowing as sure and pure as each crystalline snowflake falls in winter's frigid cold. And here do drifts of thought swirl and tumble only to come together once and again.

Just as spring thaw melts away solid formation into the flow of gently moving streams, so too do man's thought proceed in flow of his being to adjoin in likeness of his brother. 'Tis a never ending stream through time, satisfied just to be and one where he finally comes to rest in the garden of his mind as it meets the stream, and harmony of these creatures realize, that they are all creatures of thought who have come to rest in their place.

Had it not been for the look on Charles charming sweet face, I could have no longer suffered living as one of the human race. For in his eyes that used to sparkle of green, I now saw a peace known to death, one so calm and serene. And his ears could no longer hear my pleas begging for this new understanding, for he knew his time was over and it was in the years on his face the truths lay demanding.......that I might see without him here, and always know that he had held me dear. So tightly he had held to our love and the silence of its bond, that it had endangered his very existence. He knew in death he would rise above, yet our touch forever now we might long. To speak this truth he did not allow me to hear, his last words, "YOU WILL KNOW WHAT YOU MUST DO.....MY DEAR".

And with his last few words came another resounding echo of the words he had written in time. A last wish from the broken heart of the one who had died. In looking back through time I knew I must venture now to immortalize his life given in the space we shared then taken by his death out of time.

My beloved Charles died on Friday the 25 day in the month of March in the year 1994. So, I therefore must begin at this point in time looking back through distorted images and all those years that led to his demise. It was in his knowing of the events yet to transpire, that his children and I should be saved from the ravages that bled his energy and drained the essence of love he so gave and cradled in his soul.

His love was the divinity I had sought throughout my life and that which had beckoned me in childhood dreams. The depth to which our bonds formed can never be broken. Forever now, etched in my memory is record of all we shared and dared together in this life. I shall forever hold him near.......as in death his body it took, yet there is no power or force to take the memory he left in my heart. It is forever stored in my DNA that can only now unwind in time.


And let us not forget when has passed 1000 years the memory of these days.

For when the light of love shines once again unto earth and man from the heavens, peace will reign amongst his thought and there will not lie intent to create that of the negative.

It is in remembrance of these things, the dark and light, the black and white, love and hate wherein is etched the curve and line for the balance of the parallel duality that lies between life and death, the reason and rhyme.

The distorted mirrored inversion of the light, and its refraction to manifest time. But, love's memory is a place where the circle does not unwind and negative thought forms are put to rest in the mind...........whereat its centre love radiates from this creature of thought whose paradise is one so conjoined to life and death to be that which on Earth is as it is in Heaven.

I saw in his departure through demise the vacillating current pulling in ebb of the tide and a tortuous fine membrane that separated us.

One moment he was there and in the blink of an eye I saw not his life, but mine flash before me.

The vision and the words to define it came in an abrupt moment when the balance we'd attained together throughout the years was suddenly mislaid.

Now in the light and dark the incident angle of our bonds were in breach of his image unto mine.


One final moment held fast death's knock as sighed residual exhaled unto my sickness the sight now before my eyes.

Reality to lift weight of it's chain that I might breathe once again.

Only now to seethe rhythms of color, disrobing illusions reality offers.

Heaving sands of understanding found purpose once lost.

That we together knew excuses for behavior, distresses relieved by comfort our togetherness sought, disallowing cure to placate the means for removal by your demise.

Lack of your voice finds my speech without longing to defend, as her forked tongue betrays us to beast of her kind.

Flight of these vulture soared, looming our corpses, not meagerly accepting our bone, rather viciously devouring warmth of our souls.

I have seen what no eye might see in this place, the images her act portrayed.

'Tis the spirit pressed firm 'gainst the window of time's pain, in a voice not spoken or heard.

And to hear her song sung might no ear clealy hear, for deeds such as these needs no spoken words from the tongue.

However might be eloquent or clarity of the written word, 'tis forbidden the message conveyed when lies to reason are absurd. Even so her face must be hidden hind veil of her blackened heart, for no face can hide forever the guilt of which in it is ridden. Guilt it to be and here no tears flow.

Though I long to touch her soul with intent behind my eyes, pursuing empty chambers of a black and broken heart it would be. Sorrow knows the once innocent child who leaves delicate shoes to befit no longer the love for that child, for they are now spiked by age to hatred.

Decisive turns show her back, as black wings flared and her jealousy found reason to justify murder of thine own flesh and blood.

I never understood until that very moment of his death the pain and suffering endured all his years and even those we shared together.

We'd found what we thought to be heaven, but learking on the outshirts of our happiness was misery so impressed upon us by the smile on her face and the stare of her beraved eyes.

And all those years to ignore actions of such, and to find excuse for the child so faire and innocent she once was.

I can never change what had been in my heart for her all those years, for love it was. Yet, inspite of her longing that I should die, then losing him instead by her wish, I can say I still know love.

For never shall I lose the one element that binds all of us.

Love is gift with the breath of life, and even in death love's memory is not lost. In those horrible last moments the words I heard within my head were my salvation " forgive them for they know not what they do".
Had I not heeded their meaning, then I would have grown bitter and full of hate.
Rather I chose love, for in my heart I knew it was the only way to make right the wrong that had now been commit.


Fresh and brief as the morning dew, swift as the leaves blown in the wind

His gaze warming as each day's sun, his touch the hand of a man young and strong.

Falling silent and willingly in love. Silence is not to say I do, simply I can.

I open my eyes to gaze deeply into your soul. Or I might touch your face to bring you closer....

I as any other search to find contentment for peace of mind in closeness of another.

Difficulty may be in opening your mind, but mine is also in letting go.

Be not intimidated by me eagerness to try, or fearful of those feelings exploration stirs.

Be open to the pitfalls in breaking the silence of our bond.

In the beginning;

Together we found each other to be as one.

'twas in the spring of the year

One day came I unto this valley.

The green of its air in the quiet

soft and lush bed of its floor.

To flourish beyond now into all the winters past.

And to bring unto he and I fruits of a tree,

Before now so long barren.....

But as yet to bring forth plenty.

We grew strong, hurriedly here to become as one.

In spite of our ignorance we learned of the fruits of life's good and evil.

But our curious childlike intent sought life's fulfillment.

Clutched firm in our hands grasp our fateful journey had begun.

We found silence during many ventures,

which were yet to consume.

Understanding obstables foreign, ourselves to slight.

Hurriedly moving on

Content to resent their place.

Beyond might we look seeing their faces in the mirror.

Difficulty arose for reflection doest seek the eye.

Emotion oft times curtailed the truth and its deception.

To falter so young and strong, to reap from our love now borne.

He unto me;

I find you strange here amongst all the flowers.

From where doest thou come?

The flowers here are grand,

Yet you glow as none of which I've seen.

These hands tremble, though strength is not to give way.

My heart so long now in silence speaks to me.

Quickening am I for your light feeds my darkness

Where the sadness in this garden reeks of pain.

I overflow now with joy and pleasure as you fill mine eyes,

Flooding and pouring unto me as I fall on my knees.

And the weight carries me amidst the illegible vibrations

In our hearts as the new rhythm has found our love.

I speak now unto him;

Illuminated is your face as the sunrise this morn has found us.

Flight of the white dove has found me for my heart doest lend,

Soaring beyond ever so high in awe of this spring time.

Words so sound need not be spoken that I might hear.

Truths penetrate from depths of your eyes that sparkle and shine so green.

I am heart felt with curiosity of love that lies sweet,

Though memory of its tart bitterness remains in my dreams.

Love has found us.

You and I bound to be as one evermore.

Never shall blindness seek my heart or silence it drum to mine ear.

I am marked with eternity's fate as our destiny is bent around time's curve,

For I could not see the bold stamp of death on your face.

Retrospect shows one's pain that no cold heart might recognize.

Warmth now finds us and our love is bound in thought.

Life soon to follow;

And so be it for life to proclaim a child be given unto you and marriage to free its shame.

In a age before to believe conformity to societal laws finds reason and excuse for our flaws.

Marriage sets precedent to bind, staging signs for the ghost that divorce bequeaths....

For what is heard is their unions sad and distant cry.

Yet, unto that union her sweetness was born....though the mother and wife was to befall her debt.

Then this child and father together found me as our eyes met. And to find this daughter amidst our bed

Ah....... such joy and the gift bestowed unto me despite birth I'd negate to shed.

Round slight curve in time came sight beyond the corner, found we a son and his laughter to adorn her.

Then in time and its reflection their father to mirror yet another

Now with two sons and a beautiful daughter.

Within this home love abides midst happiness and the noise.....

of the children's pitter patter of their steps inside.

He unto me;

Despite our growths pain ne'r might I love one so.

Divine be our love, though romanticisms hast may befall the human.

I find courage by your side unlike any I've known.

Morality and truth I learned in your eyes......a place most souls sleep.

Fruitful and happy am I, no dollar finds me with success.

Nor could I see before you the truths of my life.

These seeds of family we nurture as we might our fields.

Our hearts love buys desire, nay that of poverty or fear.

I pray before death finds them, they too find happiness of family once again.

In Retrospect;

Then I awoke one morn and found him dead, and this last wish for them untold

For as yet did they not one tear shed.

Herein this valley once seemingly of pure air,

Death pardoned my spirit from the cloudy veils misery doest share.

And I see clearly now behind the darkened shroud,

Concealing the truth of his family,

The one for which he'd stood proud.

Life's Other Side

Ponder now do I; How Death Found Us.........

Our time to pass ever so swift, found the children and I out alone and adrift.

Without him be not life or death to find me,

'twas together that death's spirit found us.

That he the fragile child whose past strengths be wrought of a courageous nature.

Like the feline warm and resilient with boldness to deny death's knock.

It was he that found midst the stream of dark waters

Though struggling 'gainst the flowing tide into their web and evil maze.

Rejection found him parched in the waters 'mongst creatures in likeness not of he.

Their actions he too acknowledged with abstinence in vote their favor........

He to set precedence unfit for liking and the signs were yet to transform.

On our door was to inscribe death by the spiders in this web.

Touch merely did he the network of etching in their powerful perimeters.

Out of fear friends faces to turn, motionless and their tongues limp to defend.

They defamed his name, apathy and guilt to consume in silence of their hearts.

Illusive was initial sight though ner to blind my heart.

Its light to shine unto my mind in lack of deprivation of the truth.

For these tales of lies and woe doest the spirit of love feign.

Historical repetition amiss in times mirror as threat invades our plight.

Time's haste ne'r to elude birth of this evil lament,

The spirit eternal unites finding truths borne of this torment.

The past to speak of the future and the story is yet to be told......

For in death we did not part in silence,

Our vows as yet speak through death's bartered door.


Winter is setting in

Stacks of wood now

Where flowers once grew.

Yellow and brown leaves

Cover the dormant lawn

Where mower tracks once drew.

Clouds absorb warmth

Of the steaming sun

Moisture weeps what dryness knew.

Man draws the blinds

To shutter truths out

Still lies abound within the heart.

The thaw of spring

Brings your memory to mind

And finds you at peace with time.

To write the songs of winter's past

Resting content knowing

Their lies won't last.

Warm, emotionless is life's facade

My dreams march on

Where once stood a crowd.

Friends turn in death's face

With negative remembrance

They crown you with fame.

Time moves on amidst your absence

Like the withering of spring flowers

and the cold dark sadness.

Spring sparks the memory of our love lost

And the truth of its light will shine

At any and every cost.

For if the light of our love's memory should fail to shine

Then gravity's darkness and fatal attraction

Would put end to love's bond with time.

Winter harkens the seasons for new life to sprout

The primordial seed of love you left us

Shall always grow beyond the periphery of doubt.

The Ghost Within Me;

Doest etiquette pronounced offer me times grief?

Unknowing of her attack kicking those weak.

Smiling as spiked heel leveled my knee,

Quite unaware of the lies degrading, slandering me.

Nay in dark ignorance justice blindly seeks us,

Mortals used of the lies in a time when man's eye knows no justice.

Our worlds ear cares not to hear your voice.

Isolated and indifferent are defining its choice.

Ye spirit rise up above the torment,

Catch wing to carry you 'tis tme you be sent.

Change finds the past not to venture,

Futures distant longing finds you a garden to nurture.

Flowers mourn as thy seed scatch the wind,

Then tenderly planted will find growth once again.

Life's pain knows advantages sigh

The spirit germinates growing wings to fly.

You are of the light by which all doest grow

Eternal is the spirits light growing in streams yet to flow.

Silver threads mingling suspended in time,

Tossing the pearls life bequeaths and for you to find.

Pieced in place round our neck with love

Vibrant colors everlasting life's tapestry you wove.

Storms bring the rainbow's promise,

Your journey lies beyond

In prisms of Earth's eye and the colors glow.

T'was the spirit guiding you that fateful morn,

As you stood midst death's bed alone.

Now forever it is love's light you'll adorn.


So it is death to illuminate life's traces and to outline the truths depict.

'tis in light of the spirit where is lift the weights our bodies inflict.

Therein finalities moment flooding the mind with answers our life ignores,

As closer we come beckoning unto death's heavily burdened door.

Freeing sin's hatred a weight concealed to be lifted evermore,

Filling empty chamber now adrift to embark 'yond the dark shore.

These bodies electric finely tuned spawn with release of caged energy potential,

Consumed and flooding the blood-brain barrier with all knowledge essential.

'tis not final man's thought amidst hour ones day to lay at rest,

Merely a fragmented accummulation for totality of life's test.

In darkness of these minds whose incredible power can obstruct,

Death gains proof for reason and burden to rhyme or deduct.

No external sense can elude us the internal vibrations we enunciate

Expedience flows eternal through hell's door and beyond its gate.

To see with the mind is sight all knowing and useless are the appendage your eye.

The spirit in opposition infiltrates filling void our immortal cry.

- Blanche McLanahan


Continue to Loves Lost Memory - Section #3

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